"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Today I am supposed to be nine weeks pregnant. I went in for my ultrasound and as I suspected (due to bleeding) there was nothing on the ultrasound. In my case though, this is not indicative of a miscarriage. In fact, what it means is that I am going through one of the most life threatening things that can happen to one during pregnancy: an ectopic.
What that means is that the embryo indeed exists, and is growing-but in the wrong place. In the Fallopian tube, to be exact.
If anyone has been through this, you know what it is like. Your hcg levels look pretty good, your breasts are sore, you're glowing and bloated but your uterus is a ghost town.
I know this better than anybody else because this is not my first ectopic, but my second in less than 10 months! I could probably write the next book called "what to expect when having an ectopic".
The kicker is that ectopics only happen in 2% of pregnancies and they're primarily caused by either smoking, having an IUD or an std and I have had none of the above. So this is very discouraging! I drink smoothies daily, I manage my stress alright and I have been on prenatal vitamins for awhile now. So why is this happening to me? Why has this sealed my fate?
Well I am on my way now to get a round of chemo therapy which will terminate my pregnancy. The little scramp in my tube fighting for his life will ascend into heaven and I will bleed for the coming weeks. While it is sad, I am hopeful.
This doesn't really have anything to do with being a step parent except that as a step parent who has adopted four kids-one who is even my age-I can only speculate what God is preparing me for. I am definitely ready, financially stable, familiar with all of the projectile bodily functions that happen with children and most of all, the patience that it takes. So what is it that God is waiting for?
If there are any other step parents out there going through something similar, my message to you is don't give up! Where there is a will, there is a way! It may not have been the path you would have chosen. It may not be ideal, but with today's advances in medicine and your adamant perseverance, you will have your baby in your arms to seal your family crest.
That's what I see for my future. I adore my kids and would do anything for them but I would absolutely love to have something between just my husband and I that we don't have to share with anyone else. No one can intervene, take it away or minimize our happiness in this affair. It's an adventure that solely we will appreciate on the level we will and something we have worked extremely hard to achieve. I can't wait to see my husbands features mixed with mine and watch that little child grow into a brother or sister that all the kids will come to enjoy. It will be a blessing, a miracle and worth waiting for.
Until we start IVF, the best thing for me to do-and you if in my position, whether it's miscarriage or infertility-practice the virtue of loving yourself. Do not become bitter with the responsibility of caring for another's children. Do not compete with the ex spouse who you cannot control or change. Find a way to use this time to prepare for your future, find beauty in the process and be proud of yourself for the strength you didn't know you had!
This is probably the hardest thing to do in the world. Be a parent without the perks and put your body through the process of total deflation trying to have a baby. But I already see the benefits miles ahead and I know that this process is preparing me for the beautiful life that is ahead.
Well, I'm walking in to the cancer center now. Wish me luck!
I guess it's a not-so-happy Halloween 👺👻
When two people are connected, with a bond from the soul so strongly, that the souls become one. They can even feel each other's pain, and happiness.
Tonight is another epiphany. It's amazing how two souls can be so similar and yet so different!
I had Doctor Phil on tonight and it was about two identical twins with eating disorders. As Dr Phil said, it stems from a need to be in control and it's an illness bigger than you or I. Well, as we were watching, I could see that my daughters wheels were spinning. She was digesting everything with a very calculated train of thought.
When we went into her bedroom to say our goodnight prayers, she just got into hysterics. She asked me if I thought she was going to have an eating disorder because she is picky and of course I said, "No!" But I also told her that while I do not believe she could become ill that way, we should never assume that we are not capable of it. I told her the risks of both anorexia and bulimia, and how often times there is pressure for girls to look a certain way as they get older.
She settled for a moment and then began to cry. I asked her, "what is really bothering you? Do you think I'm not going to love you anymore if you become ill?" And she nodded sadly, "yes".
I asked this question because she and I are very alike in many ways. We both had a parental figure who was a heavy addict and abandoned us. We were both subjected to the harshness and stress of being drug through a bitter divorce. We both feel the need to perform at a certain level due to abandonment issues and we are both sensitive to the way that people feel about us because it has the capability of affecting our self-esteem. Highly intelligent, very capable and independent, very analytical and evolved but both weak at the knees when it comes to the concept of unconditional love and stability.
Though I have been in my relationship with my husband for 7 years, I still have certain issues with the suspicion of being lied to or abandoned upon failure. It is an ongoing struggle that co-dependent people face and fight. I explained to her that no amount of failure, mistakes, fights, tears or pain could cause me to not love her. I told her that it didn't matter who birthed her but that I made a commitment and her beating heart was my own. I explained that as parents, when your child falls, you seek resolve. Help. Solutions. Support. No one is perfect. Everyone fails. Expect for the best but prepare for the worst. No amount of shortcomings could cause me to turn my back, whether she does indeed get an eating disorder, become an addict herself or engage in some of the brutalities of life sooner than she should. The same goes for all the kids.
I wondered why she had these feelings but I already knew. A child being abandoned at that age can bruise a heart for a lifetime. I know that better than anybody else. In my heart I wish I knew of a way to physically show her how deep my understanding and my love is but love is like faith. You have to believe in it to know it to be true.
I understand this takes time and I know that even with the magnitude of our bond, my daughter will always be skeptical when she gives her heart away because she knows what it feels like to be trampled on. That is why I feel GOD himself put me in this exact situation, because I know how to be patient with these kids delicate and fragile hearts. No one will ever have the opportunity to break their spirit so long as I'm around. I may be a "stepmom" but as far as I'm concerned, "mama bear" is probably a better title.
With the divorce rate at 50%, that means many blended marriages and "step" children to follow..Someone needs to voice this! It's tough! Nitty gritty! Hardcore and without exception of blame! This blog is to not just inform but solidify how difficult, awkward and how severe the power struggle can be as a "step-parent"