2/20/2017 0 Comments EGG TRANSFER DATE!I can't believe how quickly and yet how slowly time is going by!
Joe and I went to the doctor today and the bloodwork came back perfect! The next and ALMOST final step is 2 more doctors visits to monitor both blood work and uterine lining growth, and then the egg transfer. During the egg transfer, they will be putting a catheter in me and transferring one egg. The egg is fertilized and now reached a level of maturity ready for implantation! We have been given a date! March 16th, 2017! We are so excited. In the meantime, I will be on medication for 3 more weeks. A thyroid pill, protesterone patches and an additional supplement 3x a day, plus a prenatal. If things go well, this will be the ONE and we will have our baby in December! We can only wish for positive, good things and prepare mentally for this exciting event! We will keep everybody posted! Xoxoxoxo
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Hey everybody!
Today was totally an unknown for me. I felt like a fish out of water but surprisingly, totally at peace. Last night on February 10th, my grand daughter was born. Some of you are probably thinking, "Wait, what? Aren't you in your 20's?". Well, yes. But my husband is in his 40's and this is his daughter. Regardless of age, I'm embracing this opportunity and I already feel like I'm going to be important to this little girl. For example: When I first met Addi, my 10 year old daughter, she was 3. I never knew the impact I would have on her or how strong our relationship would become. But now I can't imagine life without her and I feel like God pre-destined us to be together. I feel something special like this with my new grand daughter. People say blood is thicker than water. I don't believe that. Alyssa and her dad, my husband, are not biologically related and yet every single time there is something going on in her life, she calls. She wants him, needs him and hopes for him to be there when she falls or when something unfortunate happens and like a good soldier, he is there. My family is made up of so many blended components and I have learned one thing: it's about the people who invest in you and accept you, not those who are biologically related to you. I recently had an issue with someone who is 100% biologically related to me and it was a very unfortunate incident. However, it did humble me. It reminded me that family is what you make of it and who believes in you-not the blood running through your veins. The fact is that this person and I have nothing in common and frankly, forcing a relationship isn't healthy for either one of us. So I hope that my instinct is right on this and the point of this blog is to say to all the step parents out there: don't undermine your worth or lose heart because redemption may be closer than you think! You may be more impacting and special than you even realize. Your touch and your heart may be exactly what the world needs at this time, though you may not see it! I hope this baby and I will be close, and that my step daughter can trust me to be kind and honorable and that my obvious love will exceed all barriers. Love is not blood deep! As I continue on my IVF journey (which btw, is going amazingly and on Monday I start a new string of medications whilst my embryos have become blastocysts and are being incubated), I hope to spend as much time showing love to my new baby girl and step daughter. I think it will be a time to bond and learn one another, as she will be transforming throughout this journey. Wish me well, as my new injections begin and my ultrasounds/bloodwork continue! All we are waiting for now is my uterine lining to thicken and for my progesterone to reach a certain level. Then... BULLSEYE! 2/4/2017 0 Comments 7 healthy eggs!The only thing stronger than fear is hope! Today was the big retrieval day! The doctor was very happy with the collection and am I! 7 healthy, viable eggs and now they're meeting up with Joe's "specimen" in a lab! They will fertilize for 5 days and then being frozen for future reserve. The projected date of embryo transfer is in approximately 2 weeks, once I get my cycle. We decided not to pick the gender. For one thing, it would have been an extra 5 K and it would complicate the transfer. So we are just going to have the doctor pick the healthiest embryo. As far as the actual surgery today, the aftermath is actually sharper pains than the first time. I assume that it's because a needle was put high up in the ovaries to extract the eggs. Theyre going to call me tomorrow to see how many eggs were specifically fertilized. 😊 No more shots, either. 1/28/2017 0 Comments Egg retrieval"A new baby is like the beginning of all things: WONDER, HOPE & THE DREAM OF POSSIBILITIES" -Eda J Le Shan Things are escalating fast!!
So far, as you know, I've been taking two daily injections and an additional pre-natal with a hormone supplement. Well that was just the beginning! Because my follicles were measured friday and they had grown so increasingly, my doctor put me on an additional shot that stops ovulation. Unfortunately, this shot is itchy, stings like ant bites and the needle is longer... BUT at the same time, it means we are close to the egg retrieval!! When the egg retrieval happens, they will take as many mature and viable eggs from my ovaries as they can. This is a very technical and uncomfortable procedure, so I will be under anesthesia. At this point, sperm and egg meet in the petry dish. So guess what guys!? Within one week my eggs will meet their daddy and the doctor will decide which embryo looks both healthiest and strongest. I'll give you an update then of how many get fertilized and what my doctor decides but I still have a question for you all: If you knew that you could select the gender of your only biological child, a once in a lifetime with your husband, would you do it? I REALLY want a girl... but I also want the healthiest embryo so that we don't have to drop another 25K on this. Im really considering telling him-put a girl in me! Some may not agree but we have the science and I have a super faithful, cutting edge doctor who will do it... a tough choice for sure! Lots have said to put it in Gods hands. Okay, but God did give us science and he did give me this amazing doctor, plus free will so is it definitively wrong? Subjective, yes. I'd like opinions from all because I have about 10-12 days until that baby gets shot up into my uterus! So excited! 1/25/2017 0 Comments Eggs are growing!After almost one week of injections, I'm now getting to see the eggs growing in my ovaries! It will probably take about 2 more weeks for them to mature and then I go under anesthesia for egg retrieval!!
Finally seeing something on the ultrasound and seeing how compassionate my doctors have been so far is so liberating! One of these eggs will be my baby! I CANT WAIT! And a a big shout out to my husband who has been patient with me, under the pressure of all the hormonal changes/mood swings! This is quite the journey! 1/17/2017 5 Comments Ivf- go big or go home"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" -john wooden Today I went in for my baseline ultrasound, baseline bloodwork (all perfect again!) and my "teaching course", which goes through exactly HOW to use each medication, WHEN to use each medication and WHY you use each medication. Joe went with me, and needless to say... our heads were spinning! Not only are there serious precautions to take and a STRICT calendar to abide by, most of the elixirs you have to concoct yourself! Joe was hilarious, playing with each gadget like Legos and he has a serious phobia of needles but in the end, we walked away feeling pretty confident about what we needed to do. We start this week and basically, these medicines prepare the body for conception by stimulating the ovaries, giving the follicles extra support as they grow and in one scenario, actually preventing ovulation from actually taking place because you don't want to naturally ovulate after working so hard to nurture those eggs! These injections will last anywhere from 8-12 days and so I'm scheduled to go under anesthesia and retrieve my eggs on Feb 1st. At the end of it all, did you know that I have to take one final injection EXACTLY 34.5 hours before the embryo transfer? I'm most nervous about that! It really feels like it's easy to screw this up, but at the same time, the doctor will literally see me every other day, running various tests and measuring the follicles to ensure our success! In the meantime, I am doing smoothies every day and taking prenatals every day, as well. I put everything and anything in the smoothies from fruit, to veggies, to yogurt, to collard greens, flax seeds, chia seeds, turmeric and also ginger. They're loaded with nutritious goodness! As you can see from the picture below, those are my smoothie supplies from just 2 days ago! And that is why this blog is called, GO BIG OR GO HOME! With all of this commitment, financial investment, discomfort and physical changes, you better be sure you are up for the challenge and have the time to commit! Luckily, I work from home since we own our own business and WE are totally ready for this experience! Once the egg retrieval happens, I'll follow up to let you know what the amazing scientists are doing in the lab, how many embryos are viable, and the date of transfer! So excited! This comes at a cost but it's an inspiration and a blessing to be able to do this! Below are also all of the medications I received at my door. They were hand delivered and opening them up was like opening a present on Christmas Day! You can see the needles to the left. My tummy will be pretty bruised for a while but who cares, right!? It will be full of baby soon anyway. 1/5/2017 12 Comments Ivf...OMG!!!Hey all!
I am so excited to announce that the process of IVF has officially begun! For a month now I have been taking birth control and hormone pills to increase my progesterone. This morning, I had surgery to eliminate all possible negative outcomes of ivf, as an extra precaution. My doctor removed some scar tissue, widened my uterus to give it a more inhabitable shape for implantation, and he removed my right Fallopian tube to avoid any more ectopic surgeries! I'm so glad, too because that has been life threatening for me and it's the most common cause of pregnancy related deaths. Fortunately, this is a pretty routine procedure so I only need a few days rest, unlike more invasive surgeries, and then I'm back on my feet! My follow up is on Monday, and I am just so excited! It's a big investment but worth every penny, knowing that my uterus is healthy and my egg reserve is good! And I can never have another ectopic pregnancy again! It was a little scary, though! When they wheeled me into the O.R, I could feel my heart pounding! They put me on the table, strapped my arm down and then put the huge overhead light over me. I realized.. this is happening! My life is about to change! And for the better 😊 After that, I completely passed out, of course. They put a tube down my throat and opened me up. At this point, it's such a relief because it's over and my doc gave us the thumbs up! If there was anything at all to find, he would have found it by now. Please follow me on this journey! Not many people talk about their experience with this but I'm hoping it will shed light on new possibilities for couples trying to conceive and it's also inspiration to see just how far along science has come! Did you know I can pick the gender? Not sure what I want to do regarding that but please comment your thoughts below! I only want one child, because I have 4 amazing "step" (hate that word!) children but it is compelling to think about... what to do? What would you do! Thanks for reading and wish me luck! Ill keep you all updated soon! 12/22/2016 0 Comments BlEssedAs a mom, an adult, a tax paying citizen And wife, my greatest accomplishment has been being a supportive mother and supportive significant other to my husband.
Tonight we are celebrating Christmas. Always an emotional time. The kids biological mother is nowhere to be found and a bad influence on the kids. Are we pefect? By no means. I have my moments and break downs, and we are all imperfect. But I would jump in front of a train for ANY one of my kids. My college aged student, who I previously wrote about is blossoming into a beautiful man. He shows me love and affection every time I get to see him. He's wonderful and smart and truly special. Just know that this holiday, you are blessed!! You have your health, your spouse, your education and life!! Love to you all and MERRY 🎄 CHRISTMAS 11/27/2016 1 Comment The heart of the matterFirst of all, on a total side note, when you are singing "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" all day long, you are DEFINITELY a parent! Lol
So, tonight my husband and I had plans to go out for a dinner date...primarily to converse about the next phase of our business. We are expanding. Upon leaving and kissing the kids goodnight, while making sure they had brushed their teeth and selected their dog to sleep with (Yes, it's a nightly drill), my daughters face was flushed. I knew the look and I knew the anguish. Immediately, I sat down onto her bed. Me: "What's wrong?! Did something happen?" Her: (in hysterics) "No, I'm fine." Me: "No you're not. Do you need to cry it out and then tell me?" Her: (chin quivering) Yes. She cried for about ten minutes, chest pounding and then finally somber. Me: "Can you tell me now what's wrong? This is a safe place. I don't judge you. I won't ever stop loving you. Just say it and cry." Well, long story short, something very small and very insignificant to others hurt her feelings earlier in the evening. She felt unwanted and made fun of by a small gesture made that meant no harm. Reason being is that she is an old, sensitive soul and again, it goes back to the abandonment issues. It always does. Eventually, after many tears, I got back into my yoga pants and sports bra, and we decided to have our business meeting from home. My husband asked me if this was a good idea, caving into her emotions and letting her have her way, as if to get attention. He meant nothing by it but speculated. I told him that this is the very best and ONLY option as far as I'm concerned-to STAY. I was that little girl. I held back my tears and I will NOT allow that to be her childhood. So, now I'm downstairs waiting for a helpless cry from her, in case she needs me. I'm staying awake as long as I can in case her little heart needs a hug and that's the most important thing to me right now: meeting her emotional needs. So, so many people think kids need electronics and distractions and $500 birthday parties to be happy but that is so off base. I wish I could sit every one of those parents down and tell them the HEART of the matter. Truth is, all they need is to know that you're there, through sickness and health, and they can TRUST you with their feelings. I'm honored she comes to me. I could never, EVER, judge her or any of the kids. It doesn't mean there won't be consequences or guidance, but I will not make them feel inferior for putting their faith in me as their mom. That goes for all four of my kids and my message to you is feel honored, as parents, when they come to you. Blessed that they trust you with their flaws and insecurities. Be gentle when they need healing and calm when they are in duress. Don't be a pal, but be a confidant. It's such a privilege and you will just KNOW that you're doing something right. God bless 11/21/2016 0 Comments Trying hard vs trying Too hard"You don't have to try so hard. You don't Have to Give it all away. You just have to get up, get up, get up, you Don't have to change a single thinG" Lately I've been thinking about "trying hard" vs "trying too hard" as a parent...but mostly as a "step-parent", because there is a natural feeling of the desire to over compensate for the children you've come to know and love.
Some of it is selfish as a "step parent", because you want to pat yourself on the back and feel the very BEST at your role. Most of us are over achievers. The other part of it is the sadness that you feel for the kids who you know innocently got drug through some kind of bad situation to end up with two separate parents, living separate lives and having to constantly reassess where they belong. Where they feel "safe". Either way, you can end up crazy making and feeling the way I do sometimes... like where do I, Taylor, belong? And is this even worth it in the end? One of the main things got me thinking about this concept was the holidays and how I see so many parents just blatantly spoiling their children. Teaching them no values, and no appreciation and I have to ask myself what is the happy medium? What is the acceptable level of festivities and love VS trying way too hard and essentially destroying your kids ability to value anything in life? (AKA SPOIL) What also got me thinking this was because my step-son went away to college this summer and I've probably heard from him twice. He never really comments on my Facebook, yet I see that he does actively communicate with his dad. Sometimes that just makes me feel outright unappreciated. Especially when I'm the one planning the holidays, events and sending him care packages. Well, while this hurts my feelings and while I feel in the last seven years I suffered and grieved when I didn't need to, I have to realize that with my oldest step-son, I didn't try hard... I tried TOO hard, which in the end made me vulnerable and made it MY fault. I expected him to have the same feelings for me that I have for him, and invest in me the way I have in him. But the truth is this... step-parenting is as thankless as most parenting- but with a good slap in the face a lot of the time and the constant reminder, through both their words and actions, that their love for you is limited and only as strong as they know how to receive it. After being drug through fire, sometimes selfless love can be perceived as a trap or a threat to them. So what do we do when as step parents, we just want to give it all away? Love until we burn out? Prove our worth? Set the bar so high that we can't even achieve it? Look for love in all the wrong places... the accolades for the Christmas presents, the graduation gifts and the volunteering that we do without the request to do so? We stop. Breathe. Realize that we don't have to try so hard! We can't replace the biological parent or earn our place in the child's heart. Even if the ex is a drug addict, a convict or mental. All we can do is be consistent. We will either be loved and appreciated in the end-or we won't. I know with my oldest step-son, I volunteered at his school, made special food for him the way he liked it, personally bought his gifts and planned his parties. I gave him medicine when he was sick and sent him things to his college dorm in the hopes that he would realize my worth. But I'm never going to get that. He may see it one day but he doesn't now and his approval cannot be my driving force. My husband and I had more fights over parenting than anything else, because I'm so invested and maternal but the fact is that only certain things are worth fighting for. Ethics, yes. Morals, yes. Household behavior, yes. But you can't fight the feeling that you're not wanted. You're not. And what you give may never be seen. So, don't do it for the credit. You don't have to earn your right to be a part of the family. You are enough by being yourself and all you have to do is be there. I was just watching one of my favorite tv shows and one of the character asked, "how do I not screw it up? How do I be a good parent" and she answered "just be there. That's all you can do. Be there". Put a little heart in each situation and just show love. Through trust, through touch & kind words. You don't have to be PTO mom or pack the lunches like I do, or do photo shoots and adopt rescue animals to feel worthy! You already are. Just be you. Have an open heart but not an open palm. Just breathe and know that God positioned you exactly where you are supposed to be and either the rewards will come, or they won't. |
AuthorWith the divorce rate at 50%, that means many blended marriages and "step" children to follow..Someone needs to voice this! It's tough! Nitty gritty! Hardcore and without exception of blame! This blog is to not just inform but solidify how difficult, awkward and how severe the power struggle can be as a "step-parent" Archives
April 2018
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