What to expect when NOT expecting:
So ya, I am still pregnant. Technically. Breasts tender. Cravings. Yes! But expecting a positive outcome...? No.
The photo above is my step daughter and thankfully during this time, I feel she appreciates what I'm doing for her. How it hurts. How I feel god has forsaken me. How much more giving do I have to be before I basically just "give up" on His plan.
I am at tears right now. I've been planning this baby shower with a heavy but generous heart and it turned out lovely! How could it not? I'm practically pretending it's my shower. The details. The food, the eloquence and grace of a shower I would imagine as my own.
First, let it be known that I am so happy to be in this role and I do not resent it.
But secondly, let it be known that this is heartbreaking to me. I'm currently seeing, physically, my third child's fetus leave my body as I urinate and I cry. My breasts are still tender, food cravings still strong. Yet I have to be strong. Why? My step kids. They deserve it. With a biological mother who is nowhere to be found, I am the solution. I'll protect them and in "some way" suffice.
Will it pay off? Only God knows. I hope they know none of this was for selfish gain because I know what it is to be the lost child. Forgotten. And unwanted. Will they understand? Hmm. Maybe?
Dare I say this. They are not my step kids. They are MY CHILDREN. I would lead them into battle. Strike my sword. They DESERVE the utmost protection and love that only Christ can give. I only hope I can render a glimpse of that. Maybe one day.
With the divorce rate at 50%, that means many blended marriages and "step" children to follow..Someone needs to voice this! It's tough! Nitty gritty! Hardcore and without exception of blame! This blog is to not just inform but solidify how difficult, awkward and how severe the power struggle can be as a "step-parent"